Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
