Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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