I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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