when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
