I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
