i need an iv and a liver transplant
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
