Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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