Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
