so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Drake has all the answers
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
