Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
you traded sex for a burrito?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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