I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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