i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
