those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
