Cold hands, warm shart.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
