I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
