If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
