imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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