its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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