fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Omg I joined a choir last night...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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