You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
