she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
