I am spending my child support on dildos
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
