Can i not drive my cunt home
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
