best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
