Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
it hurts more in the daytime
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Someone shattered a urinal.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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