The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
