Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
