I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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