i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
