He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
