i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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