I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I am midnight drunk by noon
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
