Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Randomize
