saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
