Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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