You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
