Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
