Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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