Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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