He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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