if i can run in heels then i can drive
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
