I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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