I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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