Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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