apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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