also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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