i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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