if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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