you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
