While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
