I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
