The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
