I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
