Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
